There’s no doubt, being a parent is one of the toughest jobs in the world!
Even if many moments are magical, many situations make you want to tear your hair out… and in those moments, it’s not always easy to keep calm and be patient.
It is however not without consequence to raise the voice on a child, in addition to being ineffective, it could impact their mental and physical health.
*Children less likely to obey and more likely to be depressed!
Although the usefulness of raising your voice on a child is socially accepted, science has demonstrated the uselessness of this action.
When a child is yelled at, it will get his attention and he will stop the behavior he is being yelled at. But if we look at the long term, it is obvious that it is both not really useful but that it can also affect him.
- As an adult, would you allow another person to speak to you like this?
- Wouldn’t you prefer a quieter conversation in which each can justify themselves and listen carefully to the other?
- Why should a child suffer this behavior then?
Children’s lack of emotional experience does not allow them to take enough perspective on the situation, so they would have difficulty understanding the essence of your cries.
Laura Markham, founding doctor of “Aha! Parenting, and author of Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, explains that a scolded child completely « closes » to your words. He does not listen to you and can show it by crying, or by staring into space, for example.
“When his parents shout, the child seems to agree but he is not influenced by what you say!” she explains.
Instead of learning from their mistakes and the consequences of their actions, these children will continue to close themselves off more, and gradually become fearful of their parents.
When a child manages to lock down his emotions, it is quite difficult to have constructive exchanges, where he will be able to understand the impacts of his actions. However, the fact of not having these constructive discussions may lead to relapses.
Children who are yelled at may be more disobedient.
Young children can only rely on their parents, but as they get older they gain more independence. Yelling at them will only cause often avoidable tension, but above all will increase resistance to authority.
A study published by the Society for Research in Child Development found that 13-year-olds who were regularly yelled at had more behavioral problems.
These are not the only consequences, since it could also make them more aggressive, both physically and mentally.
Every time you yell at your kids or anyone else but in front of your kids, you’re just teaching them that it’s the right way to act. They will therefore be more likely to become verbally abusive as adults.
It also makes them more vulnerable to bullying and abusive relationships. Indeed, they will not assimilate healthy boundaries in relationships, including in the way people talk to him.
Yelling is not the right solution
If a parent observes that shouting works the first few times, he is also over to see that it is doomed to no longer work. The child becomes insensitive to cries and will, in a way, disconnect from situations.
According to Dr. Markham, these children are noticed because they are the ones who react very little to reprimand.
Yelling affects the physical health of children
A 2011 study reveals that children who have suffered psychological stress while young are more at risk of suffering from chronic diseases. Another study with similar results reveals that these children are more likely to suffer from anxiety and mood disorders as their lives progress.
Fear is not obedience
Especially when they are young, your children trust you, they need a safe, scream-free space that gives them a sense of protection. Yelling when angry is scary for a child.
“Your first goal as a parent, after ensuring their safety, is to manage your own emotions” – Dr. Markham
Yelling constantly threatens this sense of security, so he may no longer trust you.
Their thinking skills are not similar to yours, they don’t see things the same way. This is why a conversation where you can both express yourselves will allow the child to better understand the situation and its issues.
How cries affect the brains of little ones?
Being abrupt with them releases certain substances in their brain, this phenomenon takes root if it happens repeatedly, which affects the development of communication skills.
The doctor, Laura Markham, adds: “They can hit you, run away, or they will remain static. None of these reactions are good for brain formation.”
However, some situations may require raising your voice, such as dangerous situations, fighting with another child, or to get his attention. But once the danger is gone, the fight has stopped, and you have the attention, it becomes pointless to maintain that tone. As Laura says, “Scream to warn, speak to explain.”
How do you stop yelling at your kids?
A parent is above all a human, anger is a normal feeling but it is possible to learn how to manage it.
-Tell them you’re sorry
Losing your cool happens, don’t blame yourself. But explain to him that this is not the right attitude, that you were wrong. You will also learn to express yourself healthier.
-Get to know your reactions better
Know the elements that trigger your cries. When you have better identified them, they will be less insurmountable to you.
For example, if coming home from work exhausted and still having to cook dinner makes you angry, plan something quick and easy and keep your kids busy with an activity. Also explain to them that you have had a difficult day, that you need calm.
-Inform your children
Nina Howe, professor of future teachers at Concordia University suggests saying “you make me scream to be careful, if you don’t listen to me now I might forget.
Give them warnings to avoid situations where your children might disobey. Like warning that it’s almost bedtime or soon time to stop playing.
-Take a break
Sometimes the best thing to do in a sticky situation is to walk away from it and think for a moment. This will allow you and your child to be better able to understand each other.
Acting like this will also show your child that you want to do the right thing. They are very observant! This will teach him to do the same to manage his emotions.
-Adjust your expectations and admit when you make mistakes
Kids don’t often react the way you thought they would, and that shouldn’t be the cause of your annoyance. He acts as best he can, in a world where he doesn’t know everything.
Let’s try to make them happy, let’s try to do it by being happy ourselves, it will be much easier.